If I could lock my heart away...

How can I even express...I’m not sure there are words to explain
Just how incomplete I feel at this moment, without you here.
I knew better than to get my hopes up, honestly I did, I swear,
And yet, here I am still, feeling thoroughly disappointed anyway.

I feel my heart breaking, and each small piece stabs me lightly,
Drawing just a dribble of blood, just a hint of pain at a time,
Reminding me that I should have known better, shouldn’t have
Even bothered to dream of the possibility of a happy ending.

I feel so far away from you right now, like the space between us
Has grown wide as a chasm in the span of the last 24 hours.
It’s as if, suddenly, you are putting all your walls back up again
And there’s nothing I can do to stop you, no matter how I try.
As the tears roll down my cheeks unbidden and unyielding,
I wish I knew what to do, how to get you to let me help you, love.
It is hard to enjoy fun times with friends when I know that you
Are home alone, feeling miserable and hopeless once again.

And when everyone is teasing me, picking on me over again,
Our little single girl, the only one alone, asking if you’re coming,
Poking fun at me, though I know it’s all with love and not meant
To hurt my feelings...it’s hard to deal with when I’m already upset.
I don’t know what to do anymore, darling, I’m lost at sea,
Drowning in an ocean of emotions, sinking fast, going under,
And every so often, it’s like you throw me a little inner tube,
Just close enough that it’s almost within my reach, but no...

Because within minutes, when it’s finally just within my reach,
A wave crashes over me and sweeps it away, so far far away,
And I watch as it drifts ever further from my outstretched arms,
As I kick, trying to maintain my balance and keep my head above water.

I wish I knew how to reach you, sweetheart...I wish I could find a way
To swim right up to you and break down the walls that separate us.
I wish there was something I could do, to show you that it’s possible
For life to get better, for things to change, for you to be happy someday.

But alas, it seems as if I’ll never get that chance, in the end,
And there is nothing in the world that hurts more than knowing that
It will be by your choice that we do not get the chance at a future
Though of course I can hardly blame you for your choices, love.

There is nothing I could do or say to convince you to let me in,
There are no magical words that would build a bridge between us
And allow me the chance to show you all that the world still has to offer,
So I must decide between waiting for you to be ready, or walking away.

And honestly, I cannot imagine the latter, but I’m in so much pain
Wishing and hoping and dreaming of a chance to help you heal
That I sometimes wonder if it would be the wiser choice in the end;
I am not a creature of logic, though, and so my heart continues to bleed.

I am made of emotions, of empathy, of love, kindness, and understanding,
And it is all I can do just to get through the day without messaging you
Every day, several times, checking in constantly,  because I know that
It would only be a bother and make you feel bad for not responding.

Which makes today so much worse, because I’ve fretted and worried
About you all week, and all of yesterday, about you being alone
For the first major holiday without both of your parents, and I had
So dearly wanted to be able to provide you some reprieve from that.

I wish I could just turn this all off, switch off my heart or lock it away
Or rip it out of my chest and leave it in a drawer somewhere maybe,
Safe and sound and unable to harm me through every moment
Of every day; Goodness, how wonderful that sounds to me right now.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to just walk away from my feelings
For just a little while, so that I don’t feel this constant pressure to balance
Somewhere between pushing to let you let me help you and not being
A bother, a burden, an inconvenience, too pushy while you’re struggling.
I would give anything, right now, to see you face to face and get an answer,
A solid yes or no, to hold out hope or to just give up already, little fool,
So that I could either walk forward knowing what to do, or just grieve
For what might have been, properly, with the finality that I need to move on.

Because there is nothing more painful and bittersweet in the whole world
Than to come so close, only to have that hope and possibility snatched away
Just when it was close enough to touch, tangible, tantalizing, and then gone,
In an instant, in a heartbeat, in a moment of pure agony and heartbreak.

There is nothing in the whole wide world more awful than being almost there,
Of falling just a breath too short of everything I ever wanted, all I hoped for.
There is nothing more miserable than thinking that you’ve really got a shot
Only for it to all come crumbling down on top of you at the last moment.

But it seems that that’s where I’ve found myself, in the wee hours of the night,
And so I sit here, tears falling from my eyes, leaving a trail down my face
Onto my shirt, where they leave splotchy little puddles, dark little spots
To remind me that I’ve been crying a while, and it will not help anything.

I suppose there’s nothing more to say, then, darling, I think I’ve drained myself
Of all the tears, and so it’s time to find something better to do than wallow here
In this state of misery and insecurity, of wishful thinking and broken dreams,
So goodnight, goodbye, sweet dreams...I must go now, I must stop here.